It's happening...

I am 41 years old.  In so many ways I feel like all my life I have been preparing (or being prepared) for my life now.  It is all coming together:  widows and orphans, orphans and widows, educate and encourage.  I am in a flurry of activity: the new widows ministry at my church, advocating for orphans, paperwork for Baby Girl's adoption, connecting with fellow adoptive parents, sharing my story, talking to widows, receiving amazing gifts, and learning...always learning...about God, His word, his love for the unloved and His grace.

Yet, I feel like there is more to come.  I look forward to it with anticipation.  I smile at the future.

P.S.  Lest you think my life is all blue skies and daffodils, here is a dose of my tangible reality:
This is what my kitchen table looks like as I work on adoption paperwork now that the kiddos are in bed.  At least that is what I am going to be working on as soon as I post this...  

Who is peeking out from behind those immigration forms?  :)

Widows and Orphans

Tonight my church's widow ministry (specifically targeted to young widows) will have our first meeting.  I am privileged to lead this group as we learn that we are not on this journey alone.

Our theme verse is Psalm 68:5-6.  This verse has been near-and-dear to my heart for several years (as evidenced by the faded and water-spotted handwritten 3x5 card next to my bathroom mirror). 

It reflects God's heart for widows and for the fatherless.   This morning I looked up Ps. 68:5-6 in almost every version offered by Bible Gateway.  Below are some of my favorites.  


New International Version:
A father to the fatherless, a defender of widows,
   is God in his holy dwelling.
God sets the lonely in families,
   he leads out the prisoners with singing;
   but the rebellious live in a sun-scorched land.


New International Reader's Version:
God is in his holy temple.
      He is a father to those whose fathers have died.
      He takes care of women whose husbands have died.
  God gives lonely people a family.
      He sets prisoners free, and they go out singing.
   But those who refuse to obey him
      live in a land that is baked by the sun.


Holman Christian Standard Bible:
God in His holy dwelling is
a father of the fatherless
and a champion of widows.
God provides homes for those who are deserted.
He leads out the prisoners to prosperity,
but the rebellious live in a scorched land.


New Living Translation:
 Father to the fatherless, defender of widows—
      this is God, whose dwelling is holy.
  God places the lonely in families;
      he sets the prisoners free and gives them joy.
   But he makes the rebellious live in a sun-scorched land.


New Century Version:
God is in his holy Temple.
       He is a father to orphans,
       and he defends the widows.
  God gives the lonely a home.
       He leads prisoners out with joy,
       but those who turn against God will live in a dry land.


Which version speaks to you?

Ten chapters per day revisited

Last February I wrote about the new Bible reading plan I had started in January 2011. Today I want to update how that went and tell about my Bible reading plan for 2012.

As of today, I am on day 106 of my original 10-chapter-a-day plan linked above.  If you click the link, you'll see that on Feb. 25, 2011 I was on day 40.  Hmmmm...that's not much progress.  As a geeky math teacher I couldn't help crunching the numbers.  The first 56 days of 2011 I read 71% of the reading I was "supposed" to, then the next 309 days of 2011 I read less than 21% of what I was "supposed" to read.  Do I feel condemned?  Discouraged?  NO!  Fortunately God doesn't accept us based on our performance (whew!)  BUT to a large extent my spiritual growth is tied to my ingestion of the Word, so reading, studying, and thinking about the Bible is VITAL!

Why the low rate?  Well, I wrote about it a bit here and here.  Basically, life got busy and sometimes I didn't follow through (in other words, sometimes I slept in and didn't read my Bible at all).  On many days I would only get half the reading done, so one day's worth of reading would take two (or more) days.  Also I spent some time going in-depth in a topic or two rather than reading the 10-chapters-per-day.  In-depth study is just as important as an overview.  We need a balance of in-depth study and reading the whole counsel of God.

My plan for this year is to just continue.  I consider this method a rousing success even though I have been slow getting through it.  It has helped me make connections like no other Bible reading plan has.  Although I have only done 105 days of this plan, I have completely read through each of the four New Testament sections and two of the six Old Testament sections.  In fact, I am on my third reading of the shortest New Testament section. (If none of this makes sense you can click on the first link above for a more in-depth explanation of the plan.)

Many parts of the Bible have linked together for me more than ever before.  Pieces of the puzzle are coming together.  I am starting to see the Bible more as a cohesive whole with a single author and a single message, rather than a bunch of good but somewhat unrelated ideas.  And I have thoroughly enjoyed it.  I love making it through all ten chapters in a morning! (But I also love delving deeply into a topic.)  I like having a plan, but I am willing to deviate from it as led. 

I am looking forward to being more consistent and growing even more in 2012.

Great and hidden things

This verse was in my morning Bible reading.

Jer. 33:2-3

Thus says the Lord who made the earth, the Lord who formed it to establish it--the Lord is his name:  Call to me and I will answer you, and will tell you great and hidden things that you have not known.

The omniscient Creator, God of all the universe who knows EVERYTHING, is the one we pray to.  He can and will teach us things that it would be impossible for us to otherwise learn.

John 14:26 (Jesus talking)

But the Helper, the Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send in my name, he will teach you all things and bring to your remembrance all that I have said to you.

John 16:13 (still part of Jesus' discourse above...this is possibly the best 4 chapters in the entire Bible, if it is possible to rank it: read John 14-17)

When the Spirit of truth comes, he will guide you into all the truth, for he will not speak on his own authority, but whatever he hears he will speak, and he will declare to you the things that are to come.

We should not rely on Google for our information.  Go straight to the source!

Foundational Truth 2: Called and Gifted for a Specific Purpose

Did you know that God already has a plan for your life?  He called and gifted you before you were born for a SPECIFIC purpose.  It is not just up to us to find out what we are good at or what we can make the most money at or what we like to do.  He has a Plan, and that Plan is better than any of the plans we try to make without Him.  I found well over 50 passages in the Bible on this topic.  Psalm 139 is amazing.  Below is an excerpt.

Ps. 139:13-18
For you created my inmost being;
   you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
   your works are wonderful,
   I know that full well.
My frame was not hidden from you
   when I was made in the secret place,
   when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
Your eyes saw my unformed body;
   all the days ordained for me were written in your book
   before one of them came to be.
How precious to me are your thoughts, God!
   How vast is the sum of them!
Were I to count them,
   they would outnumber the grains of sand—
   when I awake, I am still with you. 

Isaiah, Jeremiah, and Paul all specifically say they were called while in the womb.  (Isa. 49:1-7, Jer. 1:5-10, Gal. 1:15).  There are many other examples in scripture as well (Samson, John the Baptist, etc.)  On of my very favorite passages is about "regular" people (not people who were called to be heroes for God or write books of the Bible).    This story is about Bezalel and Oholiab and "skillful women," just regular people, called for a job as artisans and craftsmen and teachers.  You can find the story in Exodus 31:1-6, Exodus 35:25-35, and Exodus 36:1-7.  These passages, among others (including the "God shows no partiality" in ESV or "no respect of persons" in KJV passages including Acts 10:34, Rom. 2:11, and Gal. 2:6) shows me that God calls all of us, not just the "super-saints" for a specific purpose.

In the New Testament, Paul uses an interesting word picture.  He calls the Church the Body of Christ and then talks about what that means.  I Corinthians 12 is one of the funniest and most profound passages of the Bible.  What would happen if the whole body was an eye or an ear?  Or a crazy giant nose?  (The nose is the one I use with my kids as it gets the most laughs even though that isn't actually in the passage.)  The body wouldn't function very well without all of its parts.  Sure we can live without an appendix or without tonsils or without a finger or even an arm, and sometimes some parts even have to be removed to keep us healthy or alive, but no one would say that is ideal.  Our bodies have different parts: different internal organs, different sense organs, different limbs, and the individual parts should all work together doing their individual jobs well to keep the whole body functioning at peak performance.  If even your little toe gets banged, your whole body's performance plummets for at least a moment.  Romans 12 also talks about this concept.  If you really take some time to really think about this concept it can revolutionize your view of the Church, education, and your own life.

Here are some more references for you to look up.  No time to link them because the house is suddenly alive with children and it is time for me to go make some Saturday morning pancakes.

Amos 7:14-15 (God changed Amos' career mid-life)
Ps. 71:6
Isa. 45:3-13
Hag. 2:23
Rom. 11:29
Eph. 3:1-13
Eph. 4:1
1 Thess. 1:4
2 Tim. 1:5-12
1 Pet. 4:10-11

Now for some pancakes...

Foundational Truth 1: The Heart

The heart is what is important, not appearances or behavior! So much of our time as parents is dealing with what are kids are doing, and rightly so. I don't think you can avoid this. The problem comes when we see their compliant actions as success because their hearts can be rebellious while their actions are obedient. We have to consciously focus on their hearts and attitudes even while we work on their behavior (don't ignore the behavior or your job will be tougher, though...I learned this the hard way). As I now tell my children, "what is going on in your heart is more important to me, but I can't just ignore what you are doing."

Think of an apple tree. The behavior is the apples (the fruit). The heart is like the roots. If my apple tree is producing bad fruit can I fix it by going down to Whole Foods and buying some lovely organic apples and duct-taping them to the branches? Yet that is what we often try to do with our children. We teach them the right actions and then practically force them (as much as possible) to do them...duct-taping good apples on their tree while ignoring the real problems. We see that lovely fruit and think we have succeeded in parenting. Now if my apple tree has bad fruit, I may have to buy my apples (teach them the right actions), but meanwhile I need to find out what my apple tree needs to produce better fruit next year. Maybe I need to fertilize it or water it more or figure out some organic pest control or even prune it. I need to deal with the roots and the whole tree, NOT specifically with the fruit, for long-term fruit production. And this doesn't happen just once. It is an ongoing process...a long, long, process. It takes TIME, but eventually the fruit will grow on its own. Incidentally, this process does not just apply to our children, but to ourselves as well. My good friend Shannon posted a great post about this a few months ago. I'd highly recommend reading it.

There are so many scriptures about this (I've found almost 60 different passages so far!) I will write down a couple here (copied and pasted from Bible Gateway) and give you a list to look up yourself.

1 Samuel 16:7 (ESV)

But the LORD said to Samuel, "Do not look on his appearance or on the height of his stature, because I have rejected him. For the LORD sees not as man sees: man looks on the outward appearance, but the LORD looks on the heart."

Luke 16:15 (ESV)

And he said to them, "You are those who justify yourselves before men, but God knows your hearts. For what is exalted among men is an abomination in the sight of God.

More passages:

1 Chron. 28:9-10
Prov.1:7 and Prov. 9:10 (these verses go together in my opinion)
Isaiah 11:3
Isaiah 29:13-16
Matt. 18:1-6
Luke 11:37-44
1 Cor. 4:5
2 Cor. 5:11-12
Col. 2:20-23
James 3:13-18

I would encourage you to open your Bible, or make use of Bible Gateway, or Blue Letter Bible (which included a concordance and links to commentaries and other study aids) and look some of these up. Be like the Bereans in Acts 17:11 who searched the scriptures for themselves to make sure that what they were taught was true.

God's View of Education

I was going to call this "God's View of Education: Part 1," but the truth is, this post actually starts with two previous posts. If you haven't read My Collection or What I Did With My Collection start there. For a tiny bit more background that wasn't mentioned in those posts: I was a math education major in college and taught high school math for several years before getting married. I also taught junior high math for a year when I was pregnant with LOTL, and then tutored math for a few years during the afternoons. I was entrenched in the educational system. It was my life for well over 20 years (kindergarten through career). That would help explain why my first attempt at homeschooling "differently" (you need to read My Collection for explanation) was a failure.

I have to admit to you that the description of What I Did With My Collection didn't last terribly long. I got bogged down, so I dropped that plan and decided to organize my collection of education scriptures more efficiently. I simply wrote a list of the books of the Bible in a notebook (leaving several lines between each) and wrote the references under the appropriate book. This also made it handy to write down new references when I found then when reading my ten chapters per day (and lest you think I am amazing, I am currently on day 66 of this plan...I was on day 40 on Feb. 25, but you'll find out some of what I have been doing meanwhile). I ended up with around 400, FOUR HUNDRED, different passages in the Bible about education! WOW! I was shocked! I haven't even gone through the whole Bible yet (especially the Old Testament...I think I made it through the entire New Testament).

I didn't take the next step in organizing these scriptures until after I ran into a former student who was interested in homeschooling. I told her that my views on education had radically changed from the time I was a teacher and that I was finding out that God had lots of information on education in the Bible. She was interested and wondered if I'd share what I'd found out with her and some friends. Although it took us months to schedule (because of my crazy life), we were able to meet last week. In preparing for that, I decided to re-look through all of the scriptures in my collection (now nicely organized, which really helped) to see if I could put them under some broad headings. I ended up with five of what I called "foundational truths" and seven principles on how to follow through.

My focus verse is Ephesians5:15-17. Below it is in the Contemporary English Version.

Act like people with good sense and not like fools. These are evil times, so make every minute count. Don't be stupid. Instead, find out what the Lord wants you to do.

I need to find out what He wants me to do so I can make every minute count, especially with my kids. We all have heard how fleeting our time is with them, and I am starting to find it out firsthand as they grow up before my eyes.

Update July 27, 2013:  I posted the list of scriptures (it is not all of them, but it includes the ones that really "spoke" to me) under their various headings on the "God's Plan for Education" tab at the top right of this blog.  I hope to one day soon blog at least briefly about each topic, but meanwhile you can do your own study (which is actually better.)

Here is a direct link: http://transformationbytheword.blogspot.com/p/gods-plan-for-education.html

Choices and Trust

Over the last few days I have been reminded of how important our reactions to bad situations are. Did you know that you have a choice in how you react, even when the circumstances are very bad?

Earlier this week I had an unexpected bad thing happen to me and within the next day or two an expected good thing didn't happen. Both situations were tough and stressful in their own ways, and I had lots of choices to make.

The bad thing (serious car trouble on the highway) could have been REALLY bad (breaking down on the highway with 6 people in the van in 100+ degree heat), fairly quickly resolved itself into being just pretty bad (mostly financially since we made it to the Bass Pro parking lot...if your car is going to break down on a hot day with kids in the car, that is a pretty good place to be.) I will not deny that it was stressful, but after taking a deep breath (or 10) and praying a good bit (silently, while keeping an eye on the kids in the store), I chose to trust God to work it out (while doing my part by making phone calls, etc.) To make a long story short, I anticipated around $1000 in repairs (yes, it was that bad), later was happy to receive the estimate of "only" $500, and finally was ecstatic to get the final bill of $85. Yes, you read that right! It was awesome and amazing! God is so faithful!

The van situation was quickly resolved. The other situation is ongoing. I am not going to go into details here, but a good thing that I expected to happen didn't happen. It was a huge disappointment. I had the opportunity for discouragement, anger, mistrust, etc. I had lots of choices to make. Where do I place my hope? my trust? my focus?

Psalm 121 (KJV)

¹I will lift up mine eyes unto the hills, from whence cometh my help.

²My help cometh from the LORD, which made heaven and earth.

³He will not suffer thy foot to be moved: he that keepeth thee will not slumber.

⁴Behold, he that keepeth Israel shall neither slumber nor sleep.

⁵The LORD is thy keeper: the LORD is thy shade upon thy right hand.

⁶The sun shall not smite thee by day, nor the moon by night.

⁷The LORD shall preserve thee from all evil: he shall preserve thy soul.

⁸The LORD shall preserve thy going out and thy coming in from this time forth, and even for evermore.

Aha! My help comes from God. Not from people (who God can use, but they are not my source.) If God doesn't use the method I thought He would use I still can choose to trust Him. So much of this is a choice. What do I think about? What is my focus? Where are my priorities? Do I really love people or do I covet things? God made heaven and earth (v. 2 above); He never takes a break (v. 3 & 4); He is who I choose to look to. Because of choosing to look to God and trust Him, I can see the bigger picture, maybe not the whole picture, but enough of it to realize that my disappointment is nothing compared to what other people are going through, enough to give me empathy rather than anger, and confidence rather than shattered hope.

I will leave you with the first nine verses of Ps. 37. If you get a chance, read it in its entirety. Meditate on it. Choose who you will trust. If you feel like you just can't make this choice, or you feel like you have no choice, ask for God's strength and His grace. It is only by His grace that I have been able to make these choices.

Psalm 37

¹Fret not thyself because of evildoers, neither be thou envious against the workers of iniquity.

²For they shall soon be cut down like the grass, and wither as the green herb.

³Trust in the LORD, and do good; so shalt thou dwell in the land, and verily thou shalt be fed.

⁴Delight thyself also in the LORD: and he shall give thee the desires of thine heart.

⁵Commit thy way unto the LORD; trust also in him; and he shall bring it to pass.

⁶And he shall bring forth thy righteousness as the light, and thy judgment as the noonday.

⁷Rest in the LORD, and wait patiently for him: fret not thyself because of him who prospereth in his way, because of the man who bringeth wicked devices to pass.

⁸Cease from anger, and forsake wrath: fret not thyself in any wise to do evil.

⁹For evildoers shall be cut off: but those that wait upon the LORD, they shall inherit the earth.

Grief

An unfortunate number of my friends are going through deep and profound grief right now. My heart hurts for them and I pray for them often and seriously. I know, however, that ultimately their grief journey is up to them. If you are in a time of grief, I would encourage you to find a verse that speaks to you (ask God to show you one) and hang on to that. Read it and reread it. Over and over and over. Daily and maybe even hourly. It will soak in. For many months it felt like my life depended on Jer. 29:4-14. I read this passage every day (often multiple times a day) and related to it because I felt like an exile. Those words were life to me and one of the main reasons I have a successful grief story. Later I did a study about widows in the Bible and some of the scriptures I found are listed below, along with some other scriptures that may help you in grief. I would encourage you to find a verse that speaks to YOU. It may be different than one that speaks to me or someone else. Words are so inadequate at a time like this, but The Word is not.

Scriptures for grief:

Psalm 23

Psalm 42

Psalm 56

Ps. 147:3

Is. 57:18

Matt. 5:4

Matt. 11:28-30

John 14:1-4, 16-18, 26-30

I Cor. 12:9-10

*I Thess. 4:13-18*

Heb. 4:14-16

Rev. 21:1-4

Widow Stories:

Gen. 38

1 Kings 7:13-14 (story of the son of a widow)

1 Kings 11:26,28 (story of the son of a widow)

1 Kings 17

Ruth

Mark 12:41-44 & Luke 21:1-4

Luke 2:36-38

Luke 7:12-15

Encouragement for widows:

Ex. 22:22-24

Deut. 10:17-18

Deut. 14:28-29

Deut. 16:11,14

Deut. 24:17

Deut. 24:19-21

Deut. 26:12-13

Deut. 27:19

Ps. 10:18

Ps. 68:5-6

Ps. 82:3-4

Ps. 94

Ps. 146:9

Prov. 15:25

Prov. 23:10-11

Is. 1:17

Is. 10:1-2

Is. 54:4-5

Jer. 7:6-7

Jer. 22:3

Jer. 49:11

Zech. 7:9-10

Mal. 3:5

Matt. 23:14

Mark 12:41-44

Luke 20:45-47

James 1:26-27

[This post was originally published as a Facebook note on Aug. 18, 2010.]

FB Note from Oct 29, 2009: My scriptures for 2009: Addendum to Part 6

God led me to this passage on Dec. 29, 2008 and this has been my theme passage for this year. It is especially cool because the chapter begins, "Listen to Me, O islands, And pay attention, you peoples from afar." Hong Kong is an island far away. I feel like this passage was written over 2000 years ago specifically for me! (And yes, I do know it is actually Messianic, so don't bother correcting me with context.)

Isaiah 49:20-23 (New American Standard Bible) [comments in brackets are mine]

The children of whom you were bereaved [I truly felt bereaved of my planned big family] will yet say in your ears, 'The place is too cramped for me; Make room for me that I may live here.' [anyone who has been to my less-than-1000-sqare-foot house can see the relevance]

Then you will say in your heart, 'Who has begotten these for me, Since I have been bereaved of my children, And am barren, an exile and a wanderer? [after Michael's death I truly felt like an exile...in fact my go-to verses for months were Jer. 29:4-7--God's directions to the exiles to Babylon.]

And who has reared these? Behold, I was left alone; From where did these come?' [obviously with adoption the child comes from outside your own body...this is still a mystery to me, but I know Super T is my son, and I have heard from so many other adoptive families about how they all belonged together even though they don't share genetic material.]

Thus says the Lord God, "Behold, I will lift up My hand to the nations,[this gives me chills--my child is coming from another nation] And set up My standard to the peoples; And they will bring your sons in their bosom, And your daughters will be carried on their shoulders. [Plurals! Be still my beating heart!] And kings will be your guardians, And their princesses your nurses. [the Hong Kong government has done a wonderful job taking care of Super T] They will bow down to you with their faces to the earth, and lick the dust of your feet; And you will know that I am the Lord; Those who hopefully wait for Me will not be put to shame." [Such encouragement that this truly will come to pass; ALL the glory goes to the LORD!]

FB Note from Oct 4, 2009: My story...Part 4

As a widow with two young children, I had been placed in a situation where I could not possibly succeed and thrive on my own. Most of my life that had not been the case. I had been blessed with the intelligence, disposition, and talents that made my way through school a breeze, gave me a successful and fulfilling career, and a good family life. Other than a few snags (mostly outlined in parts one and two, and in which areas I had learned to rely on God), my life had pretty much been as easy as can be. Oh, sure, I had my moments and difficulties, but I nearly always had the ability to solve my problems in my own strength. That is not to say I didn't have a good relationship with God. I did. I just didn't feel the need to rely on Him for my daily strength. He was a wonderful add-on to my life; an important part, but not the only part. In fact, being married had actually decreased my dependence on God. Honestly, Michael had become my all-in-all; and Jesus was someone we taught our kids about and someone we worshiped on Sundays. When Michael died, all that crumbled. If I was going to make it, I had to look to God. I knew all the intelligence in the world wouldn't solve this one. Athletic talent would be no help. Even interpersonal skills wouldn't do it. I saw that I had to turn to God. Since I have already talked about this in part 3b I won't go into the details her, but instead will talk about some of the results.

I firmly believe that God has a special plan and purpose for each person's life. I also believe that He give us gifts and talents to use for Him. HOWEVER, often those gifts and talents lead us to rely on them instead of the Giver of the gifts. Those very gifts from God can make it difficult to feel the need to rely on God. Many of the smartest and most talented people are also the most miserable. They are trying to do it themselves. And some of the most unlikely people are happy, fulfilled, and successful because they know they can't do it themselves.

Almost exactly two years after Michael died, God called me to switch churches. At the time I didn't know why, and I really liked my old church; I just knew that was what I was supposed to do. At the new church there was a focus on purpose. I took a class about finding your purpose and boiled my purposed down to two words: Educate and Encourage. Okay, no huge surprise there. I also met two other young widows who were homeschooling their children. What? You mean I am not the only one? Hmmmm...

Meanwhile I was wishing I could find a Bible study where you actually sat down and studied the Bible (instead of preaching/dvd with discussion.) I felt the Lord speak to me that I could study His word on my own. WHAT? I never went to Bible school. I have never had a class that told me how to do that (actually I did, but Mr. Korver's 10th grade Bible class was a LONG time ago.) People don't STUDY the Bible on their own. Pastors do that (it's their job!), but regular people like me have "quiet time" or "devotions." Nevertheless, I knew I was supposed to study my Bible. I borrowed my mom and dad's concordance (they went to Bible school and had the credentials to "study") and using the concordance and a dictionary started studying. The Lord led me to look up the word "widow" in the concordance. I looked up all the scriptures with the word "widow" in them and hand wrote out most of them. It was slow, tedious work, but exciting too, in a strange way. I found myself getting up early to have more time to study. Sometimes I would break out my Bible in the afternoon or evening to get some more time in. What did I discover? More than I bargained for. First and foremost: in order to get the MOST out of the Bible you have to STUDY it for yourself instead of relying on others to do it for you. Let me say that again: you have to STUDY the Bible for yourself instead of relying on others to do it for you! I feel like I cannot say it enough. It is VITAL! I also learned about God's amazing care for widows. I can trust in Him because He cares for me and has said it over and over and over in His Word. It is a theme that runs throughout the whole Bible and now is imbedded deep in my heart.

The "more than I bargained for" will have to wait for part 5. Stay tuned...

FB Note from Sept 13, 2009: My story...Part 3b

I admit it. I yelled at the doctor. "YOU MEAN I AM 8 MONTHS PREGNANT; I HAVE A TODDLER; AND AM A WIDOW??!?!?" The poor doc. He had tried so hard. Michael and he were the same age, and he was visibly shaken by the whole thing. My mom and I went in to see the body. Michael was not there, just his shell, but it was a precious shell. One I loved.

I remember three main things about the minutes following this: 1.) the single worst moment of my life: when I had to call my father and mother-in-law to tell them their son was dead; 2.) the HUGE outpouring of love from friends--showing up when I needed them most; and 3.) the DECISION I made then and there in that emergency room to NOT let the devil win and to anticipate God's good plans for my life and the lives of my children.

The next days, weeks, months were not easy by any standard. I remember and appreciate the friends, family, and complete strangers who helped me out. I felt like I had been put on the fast-track to learn to trust in God. Suddenly my self-sufficiency was no where to be found. I learned to accept help, to accept gifts, to accept people asking me all kinds of personal questions. In today's world these are all difficult things to do. They make you vulnerable. But I saw amazing things happen: I got out of debt (a MIRACLE!); I reconnected with friends I hadn't talked to in years (and found that some of them had shared deep grief also); I developed sympathy for every person going through a tough time, realizing that for them, it meant everything even if their loss paled in comparison to mine; I saw the walls that kept me a "very private person" crumble; I learned just how much control I have over my thoughts and therefore my emotions.

Grief. If there is anything I have learned in the past few years, it is how different people grieve differently. I think that is necessary and good. There should not be a timeline. But by God's grace (and I do mean that; it is not just an expression), He helped me through my grief and I learned some principles that are useful in many areas of life. First: Don't run from it. Relive the memories. Cry about the things you miss. It is okay to be sad. Second: Don't wallow. There is a difference between grieving and wallowing and I could usually tell when I slipped into the "feeling sorry for myself" mode. I learned to take my thoughts captive and just not go there. Third: Fill your mind with the good as much as possible. I spent months listening to Keith Green music. Unlike almost everyone I know, I typically prefer listening to talking or silence as opposed to music, but not during this season of my life. The music really helped (it was Michael's favorite.)

God led me to a verse for this season of my life. Many people are familiar with Jeremiah 29:11, but my verses were Jer. 29:4-7.

Thus says the Lord of hosts, the God of Israel, to all the exiles whom I have sent into exile from Jerusalem to Babylon, 'Build houses and live in them; and plant gardens, and eat their produce. Take wives and becomes the fathers of sons and daughters, and take wives for your sons and give your daughters to husbands, that they may bear sons and daughters; and multiply there and do not decrease. And seek the welfare of the city where I have sent you into exile, and pray to the Lord on its behalf; for in its welfare you will have welfare.'

I read this every day for months. I felt like an exile. Like all I had planned in my life had come crashing down. I missed my best friend. As these words sank in, I found direction to live my life. I needed to continue living: play with my children, teach them, cook, garden, clean house. Michael was not coming back, but I would see him one day. One day I will no longer be an exile, but will go to my true Home. Michael is there and is more truly himself now than he ever was here on earth. I look forward to seeing him that fine day; but oh, so much more than that, I look forward to seeing my Jesus, face to face.

When God Speaks...

This blog has been even quieter than usual for a reason. Two months ago today I got a phone call saying I was approved to do DHS foster care in my home. Three hours later I brought home a five-year-old brother and his three-year-old sister. To say it has been busy would be an understatement. Five children definitely keep me busier than three children. It has been an interesting time and I have found out a lot of stuff about myself and my character. To say it has been challenging would also be an understatement. One think I KNOW is that God led me to do foster care and He led me to do it at this time. I have no question at all in my mind about that.

What I want to write about today is something I have considered writing about for a while now. In fact I have written examples of it in my story of the minivans and in my most recent post. God always confirms His direction to me through His Word. He does this in different ways. Usually it is through the content and meaning of the verses He shows me (or that I "happen" to read), as it was in the above two examples, but occasionally it is in the actual word usage of the Bible.

First let me say that I am speaking here of specific guidance that I already know lines up with the content and principles of the Word of God. God will never lead you or me to do something contrary to the Bible. This is an EXTREMELY important point!!! How do I know if it lines up with His principles? I have to READ the Bible...immerse myself in it as much as possible. I cannot adequately stress this point! God will never guide you contrary to His Word, AND I would totally discount and disregard an example like what I wrote below if it didn't line up with the content and principles God has written for us in the Bible.

It is astonishing to me when God uses the actual word usage in the Bible to confirm His still small voice. This has happened to me a handful of times and always stuns me because I feel like God was thinking of me and my situation thousands of years ago when the words were penned and hundreds of years ago when they were translated. He was thinking of ME! Wow! I am amazed and awed by His love!

On the morning of April 18 I wrote in my very-infrequently-used journal, "Last night the word "respite" came to me. Is this the direction God is leading me in? I will look for confirmation in the Word."

I prayed for confirmation. I felt like I was in such a low spot mentally and physically with all of the demands of the kids and uncomfortable revelations about my own character that I needed some sort of confirmation to know I was hearing His voice, especially since it was very possible that it was just my wishful thinking. After all, I KNEW He called me to do foster care, and doing respite for other foster parents seemed to be the easy way out. (Respite is short term care...for a weekend or a week or occasionally longer.) I did some looking in the Bible at lots of scriptures about rest and encouragement since respite is essentially a rest for the foster parents and I would have the potential to speak encouraging words in to their lives and the lives of the kids. Of course there are also so many scriptures about God's care for the fatherless that I was already familiar with due to my widow study. The concept certainly lined up with God's Word, but was respite truly His specific direction for me? I kept praying about it, and felt peace, so I decided that when my current foster kids go to their mom I will just do respite care. I almost forgot about asking for confirmation until last week. I "happened" to be looking up a word in the concordance. The word started with the letter "R" and I thought, "Hmmm...while I am in the R's I think I'll look up 'respite' and see if that word is even in the Bible." Sure enough "respite" is in the Bible, but only two times.

I looked up the first time. It was in Exodus. When I turned to it, I saw my bookmark from my first section in my Ten-Chapters-A-Day plan. The word "respite" was in the very next chapter I would have read if I had been getting up early to do my Bible reading. I turned to the only other time the word "respite" is used in the entire Bible. Guess what? It was at my next bookmark. It was the very next chapter I would have read after the one in Exodus! If I only would have gotten up early and read my ten chapters (actually I would have only had to read the first two of the ten chapters) the very next day or any of the days after writing my journal entry on April 18, I would have had my confirmation in the Word! I don't think I have read more than 2 days worth of my plan since the kids came in March (spread out over several days). I cannot tell you how many times in my exhaustion I have not gotten up early to read, and lately when I have been getting up early to read (because it makes SUCH a difference in my day and my life!), I have been focused in one book. (2 Peter!!! You should read it!)

Just think, THOUSANDS of years ago when God inspired Moses and Samuel to write their books, He had them use a word that would be translated "respite" thousands of years later, AND He put those words in the exact chapters so I would read them back to back in my 10-Chapters-A-Day plan immediately after He spoke that word of guidance to me through His Holy Spirit. Our God is an AWESOME God and He has a plan for my life!

Then and Now

Lately I've been doing a lot of sorting and rearranging (which, if you know me, you know I do not enjoy). Last night as I was filing some insurance papers, I saw a file that had my maiden name on it. I knew it was the file that my parents had for me and that lots of my old test results and certificates, etc. were in it. I took it out (anything to procrastinate). In it among the college report cards and high school transcripts was a career interest inventory I took in high school. After looking it over I was so disappointed in my high-school-self. How could I have not known myself like that? There were many things I listed that I would "like to do" that I would truly HATE to do. Some of my real self peeked through, though. At least I didn't put "NOT like to do" on what I now love, most of those just had the "neutral" marking. The disparity between my high school self and my 2011 self really bothered me and helped some fragments of thought about my past gel into something semi-solid.

The short version (and still only Jello-consistency) is that my high school view of myself was defined by my academic interests and achievements. I was good at school, and I enjoyed science. I measured my worth by my brains, and my plans were mostly defined by my academic interests. I had a relationship with God, even a "good" relationship with God. But He didn't really enter the "career interest inventory" process. Fortunately He did get to me before I made life decisions, and I listened to Him and went into the field of math education. I discussed on of the reasons here. Over the past months, though, I have struggled with this. Did God lead me to this because I had a narrow view of myself and wouldn't have been open to His true plans? Or was this progression His plan all along? I don't have answers for these questions yet, and maybe never will. That is fine. There are future reasons (my children) why I feel this is important to think about. It is not all about figuring out my past, it is about helping them for their futures.

After thinking about this last night, I woke up thinking "blog post," but didn't want to skip my Bible reading. I tossed up a quick prayer to the effect of "if you want me to post something about this confirm it in scripture." Guess what happened? Here is a passage from Amos (which I maybe wouldn't have ever read before, but because of my 10-chapters-a-day did).

Amos 7:14-15 (this is immediately after Amaziah told Amos to go away and stop prophesying to him)

Then Amos answered and said to Amaziah, "I was no prophet, nor a prophet's son, but I was a herdsman and a dresser of sycamore figs. But the Lord took me from following the flock, and the Lord said to me, 'Go, prophesy to my people Israel.' "

Amos then goes on to prophecy really horrible things to Amaziah, undaunted.

God changed Amos' career midstream! We don't know if Amos wasn't obeying God before, or if there just was a change, but Amos was SURE of what God had called him to NOW and he was going to DO IT! God switched him from a natural career to a supernatural one (and one that people uncomfortable and angry). But Amos was obedient and took action. May I do the same.

Ten chapters per day?

In December I started looking around for a new Bible reading plan. I have spent several years studying different topics and/or being "stuck" in one book of the Bible. All of this has transformed my thinking, but I was feeling that it was time to get an overview again. (See this post from October.) I looked into several plans. The one I was most interested in was the plan my friend used (which she describes in this post.) While searching for more info on her plan, I "stumbled" across this blog post describing Professor Grant Horner's Bible reading system. It intrigued me, so I did a bit more searching and came upon this very interesting interview with Professor Horner. I looked at his plan (and the reasons he gave for why he did what he did) and at my friend's plan (they are quite similar in concept) and made my own hybrid. If you are more tech-savvy than me you can get Professor Horner's plan on YouVersion and read on your smartphone or computer (they also have the M'Cheyne reading plan which is somewhat similar, but only 5 chapters per day and LOTS of other plans.)

I am reading 10 chapters per day from 10 different books of the Bible (6 Old Testament and 4 New Testament.) I do not do it every day. My plan is to do the ten chapters daily on weekdays and do more in depth study on weekends (I have had varying levels of success with this.) Today I was on day 40. That means I have read 400 chapters of the Bible since Jan. 1! WOW! It is exciting and fun (two words I would not have previously connected with this volume of Bible reading.) The fun part comes when different parts of the Bible have crossover, similarities, or other ties that I never noticed before. One day this week my passage in Genesis and my passage in Judges (hundreds of years apart in time) took place in the same obscure (to me) town. At least weekly (and often daily) there has been something like this. It is helping me see the Bible as a whole, to see the connectedness of it, and to build familiarity with even the parts that I would not normally think of reading (minor prophets). It takes me about an hour a day, requiring early rising since I cannot read successfully with my kids around (this also helps explain my lack of blog posts since early morning is my time for that as well). If I was a faster reader and/or I didn't always want to jot references down in my various scripture collections it would probably only take 30-45 minutes. My mom is doing a 9 chapter per day plan and can get it done in 20 minutes (she is a fast reader and has read through the Bible almost yearly for as long as I can remember--familiarity makes you faster.)

Now before you get all guilt-ridden or condemning of yourself for not reading as much (or even reading at all) realize that this is just what I am doing...what God led me to for this season of my life. Last year I just read parts of Isaiah over and over (and many many days didn't read anything at all with the time and energy consuming adoption transition...often I was in survival-mode and sleep-deprived.) I also have a very real and growing understanding of God's grace and the concept of roots and fruit (hopefully topics for other posts.) I do not do this out of obligation, because I have to do this for God to love me or bless me. He loves me and blesses me because of Who He is, not because of what I do. I am doing this because He loves me and gives His love to me so I can love Him and love others. I hunger to know more about Him and His plan for me. I know that by renewing my mind with the Word, my soul, my mind, is transformed into what He would have me to be. I want to be that person!

The Bible

If you missed it, check out my previous post. Here is my partial answer to what I believe about the Bible. Many thanks to the friends in my Bible study who also answered this question on their own. Some of my answer below I researched based on what they found and discussed with our group. I finally had to stop with the scripture references because verses led to more verses which led to more verses, and I wanted you to read this and not just get overwhelmed. I am amazed by how much the Bible comments on itself! I would encourage you to look into it for yourself. The links below go to BibleGateway which has handy cross references to get you going.

I believe the Bible is God-breathed (2 Tim. 3:16). God is true author. It is my guidebook (Ps. 119:105, Rom. 15:4, 2 Tim. 3:16); my source of wisdom (2 Tim. 3:15, Eph. 1:7-9, Proverbs!); and my checks and balances, discerning my thoughts and intentions (Heb. 4:12). It is the only book I really NEED (Matt. 4:4). I believe that by renewing my mind with the Word of God (with an open and yielded heart--see the parable of the sower and Rom. 12:1), I am being transformed, metamorphosed from the inside out (Rom. 12:2). I believe the Word of God is eternal and unchanging (Ps. 119:89-90, John 1:1, Is. 40:8.) It teaches and encourages me and gives me hope (Rom. 15:4). The Word of God is true (Ps. 18:30 2 Sam. 7:28, Prov. 30:5). It is The Truth (John 17:17, Ps. 119:160). The Word of God equips me to do good (2 Tim. 3:17). It is the sword of the Spirit--our weapon against the devil (Eph. 6:17).

In the past, I have often passed over difficult passages (many in Revelation), entire chapters (in Job and other places) or even whole books of the Bible (Lamentations???), thinking they weren't important to my life, or they were written to someone else or they were in the past and not really relevant except for as a collection of Bible stories (most of the Old Testament.) Now I am coming to realize that I missed the point of 2 Tim. 3:16: ALL Scripture is God-breathed. Jesus said, "For truly, I say to you, until heaven and earth pass away, not an iota, not a dot, will pass from the Law until all is accomplished." (Matt. 5:18 also see Luke 16:17 and Matt. 24:35). I need to trust, learn, and teach the whole council of God (Acts. 20:27). It is my job to keep my heart yielded to God (the good soil in the parable of the sower) and plant the seed of the Word, but it is God's job to make that seed grow. It won't return void or be useless (Is. 55:11).

I may not understand every bit of it right now, but now that I do take every bit of it seriously I am finding revelation all over the Bible. It is truly amazing! Also, I am writing out my questions, and fully expecting them to be answered some day. The change in mindset really makes a difference. EVERY WORD in my Bible means something! It is there for a REASON! And God, the Author, the Revealer of Mysteries (Dan. 2), is my guide through it all.

What I Believe About the Bible

I am attending a wonderful small group Bible study. The first homework assignment was think/discuss (with scriptural supports) this question: "What do you believe about the Bible?"

I would encourage you to do this on your own. Clarifying your views on the Bible is crucial if you are going to use it in your life. Is it a collection of stories, is it myth, is it allegory, is it historical, is it literal, is it true? What does it do for us? How should we use it? Who is/are the author(s)? What is its purpose? These are just some questions to get you thinking.

I will post what I came up with in my next post, but you really learn the most when you do your own digging. Don't just take my word for it. Get in there and study it out on your own.

Influence and Appreciation

This morning I realized one reason (not the only reason, but a very significant one) that God led me to be a math education major in college. Lately, with my new thoughts on education, I have really questioned the path I took through high school and college; but I remember clearly that the Holy Spirit led me to major in math education when I was just a junior in high school. Today I have a level of understanding I didn't previously have, thanks to this revelation (which came during praise and worship at church, as insights often do for me.) It still doesn't answer all of my questions, but I am happy to have this piece of the puzzle and wanted to share it.

I realized that God led me to be a math education major so that I could be discipled by a certain mathematics professor, Dr. Rakestraw, a true hero of the faith. From the first semester of my freshman year through my senior year, I was privileged to learn from this great man. I believe there was only one or two semesters of college when I didn't take one of his classes (very unusual, even in a small department like mathematics.) Dr. Rakestraw was a tremendous teacher. He held down a consulting job with a major oil company "to support his teaching habit." He was the real deal: a true mathematician, published original mathematics and all; AND he could explain calculus and linear algebra so that everyone in the class could understand (a truly rare combination.) But the real influence on my life was his walk with the Lord. Every semester he started the first class with "Axiom 1," as he called Col. 3:17, "Whatever you do in word or deed, do all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks through Him to God the Father." He would tell us that he believed in tithing, and not just money. He believed in tithing time, so in our 50 minute classes, we would give the first 5 minutes each day to God. In those 5 minutes a day (or 10 if he really got going) for the 6+ semesters I sat under him, I received about 24 hours of solid Bible teaching and character training. He would usually open his Bible and share something he had personally been reading or something that the Lord had shown him. Occasionally he would have a book recommendation or a story or some advice for us to follow, but mostly it was simply the Word and his thoughts on it. Those 24 hours have stood me in much better stead than the 240 or so hours of mathematics he taught me (although those were good, too, just not eternal.) In addition, Dr. Rakestraws life exemplified godliness. He was a man of integrity and was always soft-spoken, loving, and kind, even to his most obtuse students. He also demonstrated his belief that God had a plan for each of us.

As a result of his example for most of the six years I taught high school and junior high mathematics, I began each class in a similar manner (at least most classes, unfortunately I was less consistent than Dr. Rakestraw.) I pray that some of my words impacted my students the way Dr. Rakestraw's did me, but I KNOW that I got much benefit out of teaching a small Bible lesson 5 times a day to my classes (that was over 300 hours of teaching the Bible, even allowing for a lot of skipping!) It is true that the teacher learns the most, and God's Word does not return void.

Isaiah 55:11
"so is my word that goes out from my mouth:
It will not return to me empty,
but will accomplish what I desire
and achieve the purpose for which I sent it."

Dr. Rakestraw passed into the next life ten years ago and the world is a poorer place without him. I am eternally grateful for his influence and look forward to thanking him in person some day, but today I am going to write a Christmas card to his widow (thank goodness for the internet, I just hope the address is correct) telling her what I wish I would have told him when he was alive.

Thank you, Dr. Rakestraw, for your obedience to daily teach your students from the living Word of God; and thank You Lord for leading me to a university and a major that put me in the position to learn from such a man.

God's word impacting real life--the story of the minivans

I have a story to tell today. It is a story I am currently living, a story that is not finished. It is not normally in my nature to tell about things like this, I prefer anonymity and being behind the scenes, but the Lord really prompted me to write about it here.

About six months ago the air conditioning in my minivan quit working. It was May and it was going to cost about $1000 to fix. I had the money, but at this point I started to wonder if it was time for a van upgrade. My 2000 Dodge Grand Caravan had been a huge blessing to me (and it is its own God story), but maybe it was time to move on. I did some looking and narrowed down what I wanted: a Toyota Sienna, 2005 or newer, 8 passenger, with a CD player but preferably not a DVD player. The bad part was that I would have to take out a loan, and I am extremely against debt, having been deep in debt, DEEP in DEBT, at one point in my life and having received revelation from God about my finances. All the same, I started praying for my Toyota Sienna.

At this same time, God impressed me to give my current minivan to a friend of mine who is also a widow. I won't go into her situation, but I knew she would really benefit from having a reliable vehicle. I felt bad that she would have to fix the A/C, but that sure seemed a lot cheaper than buying a new car. Of course all of MY money would have to go to the new vehicle...

The deal is, it isn't MY money. I already knew that. I have had that revelation for years. In fact, money was probably one of the first areas of my life that I came to totally trust God in. I felt God prompting me to fix the A/C. So I did.

Before getting the A/C fixed, I excitedly called my friend to ask if she was having vehicle troubles. She wasn't at that exact moment (other than her A/C being out), but she described the constant worry she was in about her vehicle. I told her that I was praying for her and that God knew her difficulties since He was prompting me to pray. Was it a lie? Not exactly, but I sure didn't tell her that He told me to give her my van.

After I got the A/C fixed on the Dodge, I lost my motivation to buy a new minivan. I still halfheartedly looked and visited car lots on my way home from church, occasionally checked Craig's list, etc. But the excitement and motivation wasn't there. I almost (but not quite) forgot what the Lord had told me to do.

Fast forward six months to November 15 (two days ago.) My Dodge Grand Caravan is running great. I had completely stopped looking for my Toyota Sienna. I had even pretty much stopped praying about it, except when I happened to notice one and think about it (not often.) I thought about my friend. I hadn't talked to her in a while. She is almost never on Facebook, but I posted on her FB wall (after seeing she had posted a couple of pictures so still was coming to FB, at least occasionally.) Later that day SHE posts on FB that she needs to find a new car because her mechanic told her it was time to give up on the one she has. She was looking for wise council and a reputable car dealer. God immediately brought back to my remembrance what He had instructed me to do. I prayed about it, saying, "But I need a vehicle to drive. I can't just give mine away and have nothing, and I don't have the TIME right now to do a car search, You know how time consuming that is, God." I wasn't unwilling, exactly, just not seeing how it would all work out and feeling like I was in a busyness crunch with the holidays coming up. I wasn't quite trusting, yet. I felt God prompting my heart that he would find the right van for me and it wouldn't take up an inordinate amount of time. I looked online briefly and saw that the one car dealer I personally know (he is a friend of my dad's) had a 2000 Toyota Sienna with lower miles than my van for an amount I could pay cash for. Hmmm...I prayed about it, felt pretty good about it, decided to sleep on it before doing anything drastic.

Yesterday morning when I woke up, I prayed, read the Word in 2 Cor. 8 where Paul is talking to the Corinthians about giving. Verses 10-14 were especially appropriate.

2 Corinthians 8:10-14 (New Living Translation)

¹⁰ Here is my advice: It would be good for you to finish what you started a year ago. Last year you were the first who wanted to give, and you were the first to begin doing it. ¹¹ Now you should finish what you started. Let the eagerness you showed in the beginning be matched now by your giving. Give in proportion to what you have. ¹² Whatever you give is acceptable if you give it eagerly. And give according to what you have, not what you don’t have. ¹³ Of course, I don’t mean your giving should make life easy for others and hard for yourselves. I only mean that there should be some equality. ¹⁴ Right now you have plenty and can help those who are in need. Later, they will have plenty and can share with you when you need it. In this way, things will be equal.

WOW! Did you read that!?! Amazingly appropriate!!! When God speaks to me, He ALWAYS confirms it in His Word, if I ask and seek. That way, I know that I am not flying off willy-nilly, half-cocked. I have often been SHOCKED at how verses written thousands of years ago apply DIRECTLY to my situation. God is amazing!

I had woken up knowing what I was to do and starting to trust God with it, and after reading the above I was SURE. I then got on the computer to do a little research. I looked up Blue Book values of the 2000 Sienna and I went to another website to research the 2000 Sienna. That website had a "search for cars in your area" button, so I clicked it and it took me to AutoTrader. Listed on AutoTrader was the 2000 Sienna that I already knew about and a 2001 Sienna with lower miles for a comparable price and with a free Carfax report. It was being sold by a private seller. I prayed...amazed that I had two good options. I felt best about the private seller, so I called the phone number at around 9:00 a.m. She mentioned that she didn't really want to sell the car, but her husband had recently died and she didn't need the extra vehicle anymore. I could go on and on and ON about this sweet lady and the coincidences and things we have in common and how great this minivan is and how she lowered the price to lower than the other one I was looking at and how much lower than blue book value I got it for; but to make a long story short, by 12:45 I was the happy owner of a 2001 Toyota Sienna with a CD player (and no DVD player) and was on the phone to my friend telling her that God told me to give the Dodge Grand Caravan to her.

Not just one, not just two, but THREE widows are blessed because of this. God is an AMAZING God! HE IS SO GOOD!!!

I am hoping that today I can get the Grand Caravan to my friend. Also, you may have noticed that my new Sienna is not a 2005 or newer, also it doesn't seat 8 (they didn't start making ones that seat 8 until 2005.) I am super-excited, because I am confident that that minivan will come at the right time for the right price and that I won't have to take out a loan and that I will be able to bless someone else with the 2001 Sienna. The way God has worked this out has been so amazing that it leaves no room for doubt that I am in His good hands. I don't need to fret or worry...just listen and obey. His plans are ALWAYS better than our plans. And I can tell you, it TRULY is more blessed to give than to receive!