FB Note from April 26, 2010: Adoption-Being Real: Three month update

Not that I am not real other times, in fact the real me tends to be quite upbeat and optimistic and, of course, what I like to share with others tends to be happy, too. The truth is that my life is great. I am thrilled to be fulfilling a dream of mine and what I believe is part of God’s plan for my life. Super T is adjusting very well, and we are all happy. I could write a really upbeat and happy post (and hopefully will soon, telling some of the progress we have made), but I wanted to highlight a difficulty or two for people who are interested in adoption or just whoever is curious and wants a glimpse into our lives. I wanted to write about this after the first month, but wasn’t sure I was confident enough in the good to tell of the not-so-good (not to mention lack of time!)

Super T has adjusted amazingly quickly and well. We have had NO major problems, but this adjustment period has still been quite challenging in many ways. I find myself with so much empathy for people who do have major issues in their adoptions. The truth is, I spent the first month he was home, thinking thoughts like, “I don’t regret doing this…Super T belongs in our family, but this is HARD, and adoption is NOT for everyone.”

Super T has some sensory issues that I didn’t expect (although I probably should have since he spent almost his first two years in the hospital.) It was rather overwhelming and frightening to realize this, but I am so blessed to have friends who have walked this road before and have been a huge encouragement to me and great resources. Fortunately his issues are really relatively minor and now I have some tools to deal with them, but it is a pretty constant issue in our lives (although definitely manageable.)

CONSTANT is the word I would use to describe my life right now. It is good, but it is so constant. There is always one (or two or three) child(ren) who need something from me. I have only sat through one church service in the last three months (although I think I will be able to leave Super T in his class soon…I have been going to his class with him to help him get used to it.) I have to go to bed shortly after the children do, so I can get up before them because, although Super T in many ways is like a preschooler, his body is 9 years old, so he doesn’t need as much sleep as I wish he needed. Weekends were a real adjustment (for me.) Super T doesn’t understand why I would want a break therefore there is no such thing as a lazy weekend.

It truly is three steps forward and one step back. We have had such huge progress in several areas over the last few weeks (speech/sign, playing, security, etc.). It is easy to think that the progress will continue at that pace, then you have a step-back day (last Monday was one) and feel like you are starting all over again (which you are not, but you have to encourage yourself through it.) It can be tricky to realize that this seemingly well-adjusted child just 3 months ago had everything in his life change and now he wonders if this new thing (camping trip, change in seating at meal-time, unexpected guest, etc.) is going to change everything again. Sometimes it doesn’t phase my boy, but other times he really is affected by a seemingly small change. Flexibility is key. I have to not be so attached to my schedule that I am not willing to take the time to comfort him and get him through it. This can make it challenging to complete the best laid plans.

Seven years ago I experienced a year of firsts without Michael…each one brought its own variety of pain and often smiles through tears. I’d have to say that experiencing “firsts” with Super T has been strangely similar. My heart grieves that at age 9 he experienced his first Easter with his family and that he will be 10 when he has his first Christmas with us. All the little firsts are fun, interesting, and/or painful, too: first snow, first pizza night, first time to our church, first popcorn night, first annual spring Woodward park visit, first trip to the zoo, first Turkey Mountain hike, first time to play in the mud, first camping trip, first time to meet his grandma, etc…and then there are the other firsts…like the first time Super T fell asleep without rocking himself…cuddled up to me.

The good FAR, FAR outweighs the bad, but I wanted to let others in on a bit of the reality of the first months with an adopted child, even when things are going great. Two huge benefits I have seen in my own life (not even counting the huge blessing Super T himself is) are that I am becoming more efficient and more fun…efficient and fun…two words I never would have used in the past to describe myself...all thanks to my sweet boy.

[Super T has now been home for a year and a half. He has completely adjusted into our family and so have we. Everything is going GREAT. I just wanted to transfer these notes from Facebook.]

Then and Now

Lately I've been doing a lot of sorting and rearranging (which, if you know me, you know I do not enjoy). Last night as I was filing some insurance papers, I saw a file that had my maiden name on it. I knew it was the file that my parents had for me and that lots of my old test results and certificates, etc. were in it. I took it out (anything to procrastinate). In it among the college report cards and high school transcripts was a career interest inventory I took in high school. After looking it over I was so disappointed in my high-school-self. How could I have not known myself like that? There were many things I listed that I would "like to do" that I would truly HATE to do. Some of my real self peeked through, though. At least I didn't put "NOT like to do" on what I now love, most of those just had the "neutral" marking. The disparity between my high school self and my 2011 self really bothered me and helped some fragments of thought about my past gel into something semi-solid.

The short version (and still only Jello-consistency) is that my high school view of myself was defined by my academic interests and achievements. I was good at school, and I enjoyed science. I measured my worth by my brains, and my plans were mostly defined by my academic interests. I had a relationship with God, even a "good" relationship with God. But He didn't really enter the "career interest inventory" process. Fortunately He did get to me before I made life decisions, and I listened to Him and went into the field of math education. I discussed on of the reasons here. Over the past months, though, I have struggled with this. Did God lead me to this because I had a narrow view of myself and wouldn't have been open to His true plans? Or was this progression His plan all along? I don't have answers for these questions yet, and maybe never will. That is fine. There are future reasons (my children) why I feel this is important to think about. It is not all about figuring out my past, it is about helping them for their futures.

After thinking about this last night, I woke up thinking "blog post," but didn't want to skip my Bible reading. I tossed up a quick prayer to the effect of "if you want me to post something about this confirm it in scripture." Guess what happened? Here is a passage from Amos (which I maybe wouldn't have ever read before, but because of my 10-chapters-a-day did).

Amos 7:14-15 (this is immediately after Amaziah told Amos to go away and stop prophesying to him)

Then Amos answered and said to Amaziah, "I was no prophet, nor a prophet's son, but I was a herdsman and a dresser of sycamore figs. But the Lord took me from following the flock, and the Lord said to me, 'Go, prophesy to my people Israel.' "

Amos then goes on to prophecy really horrible things to Amaziah, undaunted.

God changed Amos' career midstream! We don't know if Amos wasn't obeying God before, or if there just was a change, but Amos was SURE of what God had called him to NOW and he was going to DO IT! God switched him from a natural career to a supernatural one (and one that people uncomfortable and angry). But Amos was obedient and took action. May I do the same.

Ten chapters per day?

In December I started looking around for a new Bible reading plan. I have spent several years studying different topics and/or being "stuck" in one book of the Bible. All of this has transformed my thinking, but I was feeling that it was time to get an overview again. (See this post from October.) I looked into several plans. The one I was most interested in was the plan my friend used (which she describes in this post.) While searching for more info on her plan, I "stumbled" across this blog post describing Professor Grant Horner's Bible reading system. It intrigued me, so I did a bit more searching and came upon this very interesting interview with Professor Horner. I looked at his plan (and the reasons he gave for why he did what he did) and at my friend's plan (they are quite similar in concept) and made my own hybrid. If you are more tech-savvy than me you can get Professor Horner's plan on YouVersion and read on your smartphone or computer (they also have the M'Cheyne reading plan which is somewhat similar, but only 5 chapters per day and LOTS of other plans.)

I am reading 10 chapters per day from 10 different books of the Bible (6 Old Testament and 4 New Testament.) I do not do it every day. My plan is to do the ten chapters daily on weekdays and do more in depth study on weekends (I have had varying levels of success with this.) Today I was on day 40. That means I have read 400 chapters of the Bible since Jan. 1! WOW! It is exciting and fun (two words I would not have previously connected with this volume of Bible reading.) The fun part comes when different parts of the Bible have crossover, similarities, or other ties that I never noticed before. One day this week my passage in Genesis and my passage in Judges (hundreds of years apart in time) took place in the same obscure (to me) town. At least weekly (and often daily) there has been something like this. It is helping me see the Bible as a whole, to see the connectedness of it, and to build familiarity with even the parts that I would not normally think of reading (minor prophets). It takes me about an hour a day, requiring early rising since I cannot read successfully with my kids around (this also helps explain my lack of blog posts since early morning is my time for that as well). If I was a faster reader and/or I didn't always want to jot references down in my various scripture collections it would probably only take 30-45 minutes. My mom is doing a 9 chapter per day plan and can get it done in 20 minutes (she is a fast reader and has read through the Bible almost yearly for as long as I can remember--familiarity makes you faster.)

Now before you get all guilt-ridden or condemning of yourself for not reading as much (or even reading at all) realize that this is just what I am doing...what God led me to for this season of my life. Last year I just read parts of Isaiah over and over (and many many days didn't read anything at all with the time and energy consuming adoption transition...often I was in survival-mode and sleep-deprived.) I also have a very real and growing understanding of God's grace and the concept of roots and fruit (hopefully topics for other posts.) I do not do this out of obligation, because I have to do this for God to love me or bless me. He loves me and blesses me because of Who He is, not because of what I do. I am doing this because He loves me and gives His love to me so I can love Him and love others. I hunger to know more about Him and His plan for me. I know that by renewing my mind with the Word, my soul, my mind, is transformed into what He would have me to be. I want to be that person!

Change

My pastor at Destiny Church Mike Goolsbay said something on Sunday that had me writing as fast as I could. I hope I wrote it down correctly. He said, "You can stay where you are until God changes you, but it is inexcusable to keep yourself out of the presence of God." I was amazed and loved the quote, but immediately wondered if it was scriptural. A few minutes later Pastor Mike read us Isaiah 64:6-8.

⁶ All of us have become like one who is unclean,
and all our righteous acts are like filthy rags;
we all shrivel up like a leaf,
and like the wind our sins sweep us away.
⁷ No one calls on your name
or strives to lay hold of you;
for you have hidden your face from us
and have given us over to our sins.

⁸ Yet you, LORD, are our Father.
We are the clay, you are the potter;
we are all the work of your hand.

Also see Is. 29:16, Is. 45:9, Jer. 18:1-6, and Rom. 9:19-21.

I haven't thoroughly studied this, but what a revelation it is in this era of self-help resources! I don't have to change myself, but I do need to submit to God changing me. Imagine the clay trying to mold itself. He is the potter. I just need be on the pottery wheel and submit to His molding.

More Bible Study Information

My good friend has a Bible study blog and she posted today under the title "I Don't Know How to Study." Her post is wonderfully informative with links to lots of resources and with several different methods of study. I would HIGHLY encourage you to read it!

http://whatistudy.blogspot.com/2010/10/i-dont-know-how-to-study.html

I will quote one of my favorite things she says that I hadn't previously thought of, "there is a time for shallow and a time for deep. And we need balance of both. When you dig into a topic so deep that you ignore all else, you can fall into error. But if you only ever skim the surface, shallowly, you also won't get the wisdom and insight that you need." She advocates STUDYING a topic and also devotional Bible reading for an overview. Very wise! Now go read the whole post!

What I Did With My Collection

I took out a spiral notebook (the kind that are 10 for $1 in the back-to-school sales--I always keep a good supply on hand.) I looked up a couple of the scriptures in my collection to get ideas for organization, then I decided that the task of organizing them was way too overwhelming so I just split them into two categories: THE SOURCE and PURPOSE & METHOD (i.e. everything else.) Then I randomly chose a reference, looked it up, decided which of my two broad categories it fit best in, and then hand-copied it into my spiral notebook. It was that simple. Of course, I would pray, sometimes pause with insight, and occasionally have an "Ah-ha!" moment, but overall it was just a lot of copywork. A lot of copywork done with an open heart and a desire to see God's plan for education. I crossed the scripture reference off on my dog-eared paper after I had written out the verse and then chose another one. Some days I just chose the shortest scriptures. Other days I wrote out entire chapters. I always read both before and after the verses to get the context, and sometimes wrote those verses down, too. Some days, due to lack of time or because of a gentle nudging of the Holy Spirit, instead of copying down more verses, I would go back and read the ones I had already written. I would highlight, underline, and meditate on these verses. This copywork went on for months; in fact, I have still not completed writing down all the passages in my collection, and I occasionally find new verses to add to my collection. It is ongoing. The Bible has a LOT to say about education.

Slowly, slowly, my view on education began to change. It changed from the inside out. It changed, not because of what someone else told me, but through the Holy Spirit bringing God's Word to life in my heart. This is how Romans 12:2 looks in my life. This is how I have been transformed by the renewing of my mind.

The Crux of the Core

We enjoy listening to Hank the Cowdog audiobooks when we travel. There is one silly phase that has always stuck with me as a good one: "the crux of the core." Yes, Hank is ignorantly combining two expressions that mean the same thing-- "the heart of the matter." I like it because of the double emphasis. Today, in my unusual second-day-in-a-row-with-time-in-the-morning-to-post, I am going to get straight to the main point rather than leading up to it gradually.

I can trace the beginning of my metamorphosis to one point: when I began to focus my study in God's Word. I have been a Christian since childhood. I have never seriously rebelled. I have always had daily quiet times to read the Bible and pray. Yes, there have been a few dry periods, but for the vast majority of the past 35 years--and I'll be 40 this fall--I have read my Bible every day. I know that this produced some fruit. Because of it I have a relatively good overall knowledge of the Word, and often a specific scripture would minister to me at a particular time, but I did not see wholesale changes in my life. I didn't even know that changes were possible...or needed.

At one point, three or four years ago, I decided to study out the scriptures related to widows. I was widowed in 2003 and God had since led other young widows into my life. I wanted to consolidate what God had to say about widows. It was a wonderful study. I learned so much about God's heart for the widow; but at the same time, unbeknownst to me, I was studying about the orphan, too. Most scriptures in the Bible that are about how God takes care of the widow, also tell how he takes care of the orphan. About a year or so after I did that study, God suddenly dropped into my heart that I was supposed to adopt a child from Asia. It wasn't until several months into the process that I made the connection to my Bible study. Super T came home in January and has been such a blessing to our family. I don't know what we did without him. Through my studying of scriptures about widows, God changed my heart toward the orphan. It was automatic and effortless and unperceived until the butterfly emerged and, soon after, took flight.

After I saw the benefits of my widow study, I began to study other things. The most recent item on the study menu has been education, but that will be a topic for another entire post (or several.)

Pick a topic and study it out. Think about those verses. Pray about them. It is the Word that has the power to TRANSFORM our lives. You may not see immediate changes, but they are going on in your mind. His Word renews your mind...transforming it into what He wants it to be.

Metamorphosis

Does the caterpillar know what is going to happen to it when it makes its chrysalis? Does it know that after a few weeks of seeming inactivity it will emerge a butterfly?

I am compelled to write about changes that occurred in me that I didn't even know were happening...things I didn't plan on. They were a natural outgrowth of my spiritual life...mostly of my study of the Bible, the Word of God. This is not a formula. I am going to tell what happened in me, but really I didn't plan for or expect it. Of course, now that I have seen how it works, I am more deliberate about it.

I hope this blog can help you see how this transformation has occurred in my life so you can be deliberate about building your chrysalis and effecting change in your life. You may not be able to predict the form that this change will take, but it will be good. It will be very good and exciting and maybe scary. Imagine that first thrilling flight of a newly transformed butterfly...