After studying the Bible and finding out more about God's view of widows, I became more confident in seeing Him fill the roles left vacant by Michael's death. It brought a wonderful contentment and happiness. I remember saying one day, "I hope nothing changes because I am so happy right now." I should have know right then that change was coming!
Who do you think I was studying about along with learning about God's provision for widows? THE FATHERLESS! The vast majority of verses that speak of widows also speak of the orphan or fatherless (depending on the translation.) I always interpreted that as including LOTL and Little Pud [see About Me for explanation], which it does, but there was so much more that was getting down into my mind and spirit. One day in the early summer of 2008, BAM! into my heart dropped the thought, "I am supposed to adopt from Hong Kong." This was out of the clear blue. I knew it wasn't my own thought. It was from God. I took some time and prayed, but it didn't go away, so I started the process to adopt from Hong Kong.
A bit more background: Michael and I had always planned on adopting sometime. We wanted "a lot" of kids. We always said "at least 4," but the truth was we really wanted 6 (or maybe even more.) After I made it through the first year or so of grief for my husband, my bigger struggle was my grief for the children I would never have. At first I thought that maybe I would get remarried and have more children that way. At one point a few years ago I did extensive research into adoption as a single mother, but I just knew that wasn't for me at that time (much to my sadness, because I really wanted to adopt.) FINALLY, gradually, I became completely content with the two wonderful gifts I had been given (not that I wasn't thankful for them before--I enjoyed them so much that I wanted more.) That contentment and my widow/orphan Bible study both came about a year or so before the mandate to adopt suddenly appeared.
I thought this might be my last post, but it is getting too long, so Super T's adoption story will have to wait for next time.
Saturday, June 25, 2011
Friday, June 24, 2011
FB Note from Oct 4, 2009: My story...Part 4
As a widow with two young children, I had been placed in a situation where I could not possibly succeed and thrive on my own. Most of my life that had not been the case. I had been blessed with the intelligence, disposition, and talents that made my way through school a breeze, gave me a successful and fulfilling career, and a good family life. Other than a few snags (mostly outlined in parts one and two, and in which areas I had learned to rely on God), my life had pretty much been as easy as can be. Oh, sure, I had my moments and difficulties, but I nearly always had the ability to solve my problems in my own strength. That is not to say I didn't have a good relationship with God. I did. I just didn't feel the need to rely on Him for my daily strength. He was a wonderful add-on to my life; an important part, but not the only part. In fact, being married had actually decreased my dependence on God. Honestly, Michael had become my all-in-all; and Jesus was someone we taught our kids about and someone we worshiped on Sundays. When Michael died, all that crumbled. If I was going to make it, I had to look to God. I knew all the intelligence in the world wouldn't solve this one. Athletic talent would be no help. Even interpersonal skills wouldn't do it. I saw that I had to turn to God. Since I have already talked about this in part 3b I won't go into the details her, but instead will talk about some of the results.
I firmly believe that God has a special plan and purpose for each person's life. I also believe that He give us gifts and talents to use for Him. HOWEVER, often those gifts and talents lead us to rely on them instead of the Giver of the gifts. Those very gifts from God can make it difficult to feel the need to rely on God. Many of the smartest and most talented people are also the most miserable. They are trying to do it themselves. And some of the most unlikely people are happy, fulfilled, and successful because they know they can't do it themselves.
Almost exactly two years after Michael died, God called me to switch churches. At the time I didn't know why, and I really liked my old church; I just knew that was what I was supposed to do. At the new church there was a focus on purpose. I took a class about finding your purpose and boiled my purposed down to two words: Educate and Encourage. Okay, no huge surprise there. I also met two other young widows who were homeschooling their children. What? You mean I am not the only one? Hmmmm...
Meanwhile I was wishing I could find a Bible study where you actually sat down and studied the Bible (instead of preaching/dvd with discussion.) I felt the Lord speak to me that I could study His word on my own. WHAT? I never went to Bible school. I have never had a class that told me how to do that (actually I did, but Mr. Korver's 10th grade Bible class was a LONG time ago.) People don't STUDY the Bible on their own. Pastors do that (it's their job!), but regular people like me have "quiet time" or "devotions." Nevertheless, I knew I was supposed to study my Bible. I borrowed my mom and dad's concordance (they went to Bible school and had the credentials to "study") and using the concordance and a dictionary started studying. The Lord led me to look up the word "widow" in the concordance. I looked up all the scriptures with the word "widow" in them and hand wrote out most of them. It was slow, tedious work, but exciting too, in a strange way. I found myself getting up early to have more time to study. Sometimes I would break out my Bible in the afternoon or evening to get some more time in. What did I discover? More than I bargained for. First and foremost: in order to get the MOST out of the Bible you have to STUDY it for yourself instead of relying on others to do it for you. Let me say that again: you have to STUDY the Bible for yourself instead of relying on others to do it for you! I feel like I cannot say it enough. It is VITAL! I also learned about God's amazing care for widows. I can trust in Him because He cares for me and has said it over and over and over in His Word. It is a theme that runs throughout the whole Bible and now is imbedded deep in my heart.
The "more than I bargained for" will have to wait for part 5. Stay tuned...
I firmly believe that God has a special plan and purpose for each person's life. I also believe that He give us gifts and talents to use for Him. HOWEVER, often those gifts and talents lead us to rely on them instead of the Giver of the gifts. Those very gifts from God can make it difficult to feel the need to rely on God. Many of the smartest and most talented people are also the most miserable. They are trying to do it themselves. And some of the most unlikely people are happy, fulfilled, and successful because they know they can't do it themselves.
Almost exactly two years after Michael died, God called me to switch churches. At the time I didn't know why, and I really liked my old church; I just knew that was what I was supposed to do. At the new church there was a focus on purpose. I took a class about finding your purpose and boiled my purposed down to two words: Educate and Encourage. Okay, no huge surprise there. I also met two other young widows who were homeschooling their children. What? You mean I am not the only one? Hmmmm...
Meanwhile I was wishing I could find a Bible study where you actually sat down and studied the Bible (instead of preaching/dvd with discussion.) I felt the Lord speak to me that I could study His word on my own. WHAT? I never went to Bible school. I have never had a class that told me how to do that (actually I did, but Mr. Korver's 10th grade Bible class was a LONG time ago.) People don't STUDY the Bible on their own. Pastors do that (it's their job!), but regular people like me have "quiet time" or "devotions." Nevertheless, I knew I was supposed to study my Bible. I borrowed my mom and dad's concordance (they went to Bible school and had the credentials to "study") and using the concordance and a dictionary started studying. The Lord led me to look up the word "widow" in the concordance. I looked up all the scriptures with the word "widow" in them and hand wrote out most of them. It was slow, tedious work, but exciting too, in a strange way. I found myself getting up early to have more time to study. Sometimes I would break out my Bible in the afternoon or evening to get some more time in. What did I discover? More than I bargained for. First and foremost: in order to get the MOST out of the Bible you have to STUDY it for yourself instead of relying on others to do it for you. Let me say that again: you have to STUDY the Bible for yourself instead of relying on others to do it for you! I feel like I cannot say it enough. It is VITAL! I also learned about God's amazing care for widows. I can trust in Him because He cares for me and has said it over and over and over in His Word. It is a theme that runs throughout the whole Bible and now is imbedded deep in my heart.
The "more than I bargained for" will have to wait for part 5. Stay tuned...
Thursday, June 23, 2011
FB Note from Sept 13, 2009: My story...Part 3b
I admit it. I yelled at the doctor. "YOU MEAN I AM 8 MONTHS PREGNANT; I HAVE A TODDLER; AND AM A WIDOW??!?!?" The poor doc. He had tried so hard. Michael and he were the same age, and he was visibly shaken by the whole thing. My mom and I went in to see the body. Michael was not there, just his shell, but it was a precious shell. One I loved.
I remember three main things about the minutes following this: 1.) the single worst moment of my life: when I had to call my father and mother-in-law to tell them their son was dead; 2.) the HUGE outpouring of love from friends--showing up when I needed them most; and 3.) the DECISION I made then and there in that emergency room to NOT let the devil win and to anticipate God's good plans for my life and the lives of my children.
The next days, weeks, months were not easy by any standard. I remember and appreciate the friends, family, and complete strangers who helped me out. I felt like I had been put on the fast-track to learn to trust in God. Suddenly my self-sufficiency was no where to be found. I learned to accept help, to accept gifts, to accept people asking me all kinds of personal questions. In today's world these are all difficult things to do. They make you vulnerable. But I saw amazing things happen: I got out of debt (a MIRACLE!); I reconnected with friends I hadn't talked to in years (and found that some of them had shared deep grief also); I developed sympathy for every person going through a tough time, realizing that for them, it meant everything even if their loss paled in comparison to mine; I saw the walls that kept me a "very private person" crumble; I learned just how much control I have over my thoughts and therefore my emotions.
Grief. If there is anything I have learned in the past few years, it is how different people grieve differently. I think that is necessary and good. There should not be a timeline. But by God's grace (and I do mean that; it is not just an expression), He helped me through my grief and I learned some principles that are useful in many areas of life. First: Don't run from it. Relive the memories. Cry about the things you miss. It is okay to be sad. Second: Don't wallow. There is a difference between grieving and wallowing and I could usually tell when I slipped into the "feeling sorry for myself" mode. I learned to take my thoughts captive and just not go there. Third: Fill your mind with the good as much as possible. I spent months listening to Keith Green music. Unlike almost everyone I know, I typically prefer listening to talking or silence as opposed to music, but not during this season of my life. The music really helped (it was Michael's favorite.)
God led me to a verse for this season of my life. Many people are familiar with Jeremiah 29:11, but my verses were Jer. 29:4-7.
I read this every day for months. I felt like an exile. Like all I had planned in my life had come crashing down. I missed my best friend. As these words sank in, I found direction to live my life. I needed to continue living: play with my children, teach them, cook, garden, clean house. Michael was not coming back, but I would see him one day. One day I will no longer be an exile, but will go to my true Home. Michael is there and is more truly himself now than he ever was here on earth. I look forward to seeing him that fine day; but oh, so much more than that, I look forward to seeing my Jesus, face to face.
I remember three main things about the minutes following this: 1.) the single worst moment of my life: when I had to call my father and mother-in-law to tell them their son was dead; 2.) the HUGE outpouring of love from friends--showing up when I needed them most; and 3.) the DECISION I made then and there in that emergency room to NOT let the devil win and to anticipate God's good plans for my life and the lives of my children.
The next days, weeks, months were not easy by any standard. I remember and appreciate the friends, family, and complete strangers who helped me out. I felt like I had been put on the fast-track to learn to trust in God. Suddenly my self-sufficiency was no where to be found. I learned to accept help, to accept gifts, to accept people asking me all kinds of personal questions. In today's world these are all difficult things to do. They make you vulnerable. But I saw amazing things happen: I got out of debt (a MIRACLE!); I reconnected with friends I hadn't talked to in years (and found that some of them had shared deep grief also); I developed sympathy for every person going through a tough time, realizing that for them, it meant everything even if their loss paled in comparison to mine; I saw the walls that kept me a "very private person" crumble; I learned just how much control I have over my thoughts and therefore my emotions.
Grief. If there is anything I have learned in the past few years, it is how different people grieve differently. I think that is necessary and good. There should not be a timeline. But by God's grace (and I do mean that; it is not just an expression), He helped me through my grief and I learned some principles that are useful in many areas of life. First: Don't run from it. Relive the memories. Cry about the things you miss. It is okay to be sad. Second: Don't wallow. There is a difference between grieving and wallowing and I could usually tell when I slipped into the "feeling sorry for myself" mode. I learned to take my thoughts captive and just not go there. Third: Fill your mind with the good as much as possible. I spent months listening to Keith Green music. Unlike almost everyone I know, I typically prefer listening to talking or silence as opposed to music, but not during this season of my life. The music really helped (it was Michael's favorite.)
God led me to a verse for this season of my life. Many people are familiar with Jeremiah 29:11, but my verses were Jer. 29:4-7.
Thus says the Lord of hosts, the God of Israel, to all the exiles whom I have sent into exile from Jerusalem to Babylon, 'Build houses and live in them; and plant gardens, and eat their produce. Take wives and becomes the fathers of sons and daughters, and take wives for your sons and give your daughters to husbands, that they may bear sons and daughters; and multiply there and do not decrease. And seek the welfare of the city where I have sent you into exile, and pray to the Lord on its behalf; for in its welfare you will have welfare.'
I read this every day for months. I felt like an exile. Like all I had planned in my life had come crashing down. I missed my best friend. As these words sank in, I found direction to live my life. I needed to continue living: play with my children, teach them, cook, garden, clean house. Michael was not coming back, but I would see him one day. One day I will no longer be an exile, but will go to my true Home. Michael is there and is more truly himself now than he ever was here on earth. I look forward to seeing him that fine day; but oh, so much more than that, I look forward to seeing my Jesus, face to face.
iPads!
Updated 7/12/2011
The giveaway I posted about here has been cancelled, and we will not be receiving an iPad from Marissa's Bunny. If you are interested in the situation, just google. There is lots of info in lots of places (some if it of questionable intent and accuracy.) I do not agree with the angle that some people have taken, but there are also people who are making lemonade out of these lemons.
I am thankful that I do not look to people as my source or I would be very discouraged. Instead read my Choices and Trust post. My hope is in the Lord, who made heaven and earth. I have no doubt at all that Super T will receive an iPad. I don't know where it will come from directly, but ultimately it comes from God.
I will leave this post up in its entirety.
Original post from 6/23/11:
We interrupt our regularly scheduled programming to bring exciting special-needs iPad news!
A while ago I hopped over to Marissa's Bunny and entered Super T in a merit-based special-needs iPad giveaway. He won one of the 40 iPad's they gave away! With the iPad came $500 (yes, you read that right: $500!!!) of iPad apps of my choice (some of the therapeutic apps are quite expensive, but even with those, we still got a LOT of apps!) the iPad is going to be a game-changer for this little boy. I am very VERY excited to receive it (should be getting it Monday) and see how it changes his communication, reading skills, level of engagement, and so many other things...not to mention his music (which he LOVES)!
Marissa's dad has it on his heart to help the special needs community. His bosses have an aggressive over-matching program for any money that is raised on the blog. Right now Marissa's Bunny is in the middle of another special-needs iPad giveaway (click here for how to enter). They currently have 15 iPads to give away, but IF they can raise a total of $1000 on the chip-in the bosses will provide 5 more iPads PLUS $500 worth of apps to each recipient. Read about it here (and also about why it is just amazing that Marissa's dad has the time or heart to think about the rest of us--his plate is more than full right now.)
So, if you have a special needs child apply for the giveaway and whether or not you have a special needs child, consider donating to the chip in (on the sidebar of this page). Seriously, the iPad is the most amazing tool for special needs individuals that has come out in a long time...maybe ever.
Now, back to the FB posts...
The giveaway I posted about here has been cancelled, and we will not be receiving an iPad from Marissa's Bunny. If you are interested in the situation, just google. There is lots of info in lots of places (some if it of questionable intent and accuracy.) I do not agree with the angle that some people have taken, but there are also people who are making lemonade out of these lemons.
I am thankful that I do not look to people as my source or I would be very discouraged. Instead read my Choices and Trust post. My hope is in the Lord, who made heaven and earth. I have no doubt at all that Super T will receive an iPad. I don't know where it will come from directly, but ultimately it comes from God.
I will leave this post up in its entirety.
Original post from 6/23/11:
We interrupt our regularly scheduled programming to bring exciting special-needs iPad news!
A while ago I hopped over to Marissa's Bunny and entered Super T in a merit-based special-needs iPad giveaway. He won one of the 40 iPad's they gave away! With the iPad came $500 (yes, you read that right: $500!!!) of iPad apps of my choice (some of the therapeutic apps are quite expensive, but even with those, we still got a LOT of apps!) the iPad is going to be a game-changer for this little boy. I am very VERY excited to receive it (should be getting it Monday) and see how it changes his communication, reading skills, level of engagement, and so many other things...not to mention his music (which he LOVES)!
Marissa's dad has it on his heart to help the special needs community. His bosses have an aggressive over-matching program for any money that is raised on the blog. Right now Marissa's Bunny is in the middle of another special-needs iPad giveaway (click here for how to enter). They currently have 15 iPads to give away, but IF they can raise a total of $1000 on the chip-in the bosses will provide 5 more iPads PLUS $500 worth of apps to each recipient. Read about it here (and also about why it is just amazing that Marissa's dad has the time or heart to think about the rest of us--his plate is more than full right now.)
So, if you have a special needs child apply for the giveaway and whether or not you have a special needs child, consider donating to the chip in (on the sidebar of this page). Seriously, the iPad is the most amazing tool for special needs individuals that has come out in a long time...maybe ever.
Now, back to the FB posts...
Wednesday, June 22, 2011
FB Note from Sept 13, 2009: My story...Part 3a
WARNING: If you were close to my husband or have had someone close to you die, you may not want to read this.
Thursday, April 10, 2003...the single worst day of my life. All day Wednesday Michael had been sick with flu-like symptoms...throwing up and general misery, but nothing extraordinary. I was a good wife. Kept fluids going into him, encouraged, cleaned up. I'll be honest, there was a bit of resentment. You see, I was 8 months pregnant with our second child and had a toddler, so taking care of a sick husband was not exactly fun. I took consolation in the thought that he would have plenty to do taking care of me when the baby was born. On Wednesday, Michael's sister called, but I told her he was sick and couldn't talk...regret. Wednesday night I had to run to the drug store to get something for Michael and picked up a pint of Ben & Jerry's Chocolate Brownie. I sat on the couch and ate the whole pint while the rest of the house slept. I thought Michael was recovering. He had eaten sugar free Jello and some broth and was keeping them down. He was sleeping and I figured he would sleep it off and be all better the next day. I slept on the couch.
When I woke up around 5, I went in to check on Michael. He was still asleep. I noticed that his insulin pump (he had Type 1 diabetes, diagnosed while we were engaged) had come out. Uh-oh. I shook him to wake him up to take his blood sugar and reinsert the pump catheter, but he wouldn't wake up. Try harder. Shake him more. He kind of wakes up, even sits up, but is not coherent. Threaten him with the ER if he doesn't test his blood sugar and take a shot. He can't do it. Try not to panic. Call my dad. Dad comes to stay with LOTL (2 1/2 years old and still sleeping.) Tell Michael he has to walk to the car. Dad and I are on either side of him helping him walk. When we get to the car he totally collaspes. A passerby helps us get him in. The whole way to the hospital I am praying and keep looking over at my husband. He is unconscious, but breathing. It is going to be okay. We are almost there. I get him into the Southcrest ER. I don't know it at the time, but as soon as they wheel him away from me, he codes. That was the end. The doctor worked on him for an hour, but he was already gone.
As I write this, my hands are sweating and shaking, my heart is racing. I can hardly believe that over 6 years later I still feel the nerves of the day. My eyes are dry, however. I know how it turns out.
Thursday, April 10, 2003...the single worst day of my life. All day Wednesday Michael had been sick with flu-like symptoms...throwing up and general misery, but nothing extraordinary. I was a good wife. Kept fluids going into him, encouraged, cleaned up. I'll be honest, there was a bit of resentment. You see, I was 8 months pregnant with our second child and had a toddler, so taking care of a sick husband was not exactly fun. I took consolation in the thought that he would have plenty to do taking care of me when the baby was born. On Wednesday, Michael's sister called, but I told her he was sick and couldn't talk...regret. Wednesday night I had to run to the drug store to get something for Michael and picked up a pint of Ben & Jerry's Chocolate Brownie. I sat on the couch and ate the whole pint while the rest of the house slept. I thought Michael was recovering. He had eaten sugar free Jello and some broth and was keeping them down. He was sleeping and I figured he would sleep it off and be all better the next day. I slept on the couch.
When I woke up around 5, I went in to check on Michael. He was still asleep. I noticed that his insulin pump (he had Type 1 diabetes, diagnosed while we were engaged) had come out. Uh-oh. I shook him to wake him up to take his blood sugar and reinsert the pump catheter, but he wouldn't wake up. Try harder. Shake him more. He kind of wakes up, even sits up, but is not coherent. Threaten him with the ER if he doesn't test his blood sugar and take a shot. He can't do it. Try not to panic. Call my dad. Dad comes to stay with LOTL (2 1/2 years old and still sleeping.) Tell Michael he has to walk to the car. Dad and I are on either side of him helping him walk. When we get to the car he totally collaspes. A passerby helps us get him in. The whole way to the hospital I am praying and keep looking over at my husband. He is unconscious, but breathing. It is going to be okay. We are almost there. I get him into the Southcrest ER. I don't know it at the time, but as soon as they wheel him away from me, he codes. That was the end. The doctor worked on him for an hour, but he was already gone.
As I write this, my hands are sweating and shaking, my heart is racing. I can hardly believe that over 6 years later I still feel the nerves of the day. My eyes are dry, however. I know how it turns out.
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